The communication technique everyone needs to use — “I” statements

To have good relationships, we need to be assertive and honest in sharing our thoughts, feelings and concerns. However, this needs to be done in a way that is respectful and encourages both parties to listen to each other. Although it is not entirely within our control whether we will be heard or understood, how we initiate communication will have an impact on how the message is received and the response. A good way to do this is through “I” statements: a seemingly simple technique that can radically change how communication and conflicts are approached.

In a nutshell, in “I” messages, statements are made about ourselves, how we feel and our concerns, and what actions of the other party have led to the concerns. “You” messages focus on the other person.

Examples of “You” statements: “You always work on weekends! You don’t care about your family.” “You are always coming home late!” “You never do the laundry. You are so lazy.” “You never tell me how you feel anymore.”

“You” statements are critical and lead to the recipient feeling blamed, attacked, or forced to change. As a result they usually become defensive. A productive discussion cannot take place because the other person no longer wants to listen. “You” statements focus on the person, not the issue, and they are subjective — a reflection of our own experience rather than the full reality of the relationship.

“I” messages look more like: “I feel rather lonely while waiting for you to come home. I’m concerned that you are often home late.” “I get very anxious when you raise your voice at me because it makes me feel like I’ve done something very wrong. Could you please not raise your voice when we talk?”

Parts of an “I” message: I feel ___ (feeling) when you ___ (action) because ___ (how it affects you). What I need is ___ (optional). The first three parts can appear in any order.

“I” messages are effective because the focus is on the issue, not on attacking the other person. Sharing feelings can also build trust: it shows the speaker is willing to look within and take responsibility. A common mistake is criticism disguised as an “I” statement, such as “I feel like you don’t care about me.”

Practised well, the technique increases self-reflection for the speaker and empathy for the listener. It may not resolve deeper conflicts on its own, but it is a strong place to start a productive discussion and prevent escalation.

Bibliography: Rogers, S. L., Howieson, J., & Neame, C. (2018). I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. PeerJ, 6, e4831.